Jack Kukoda

Last weekend I went to Denver to visit some friends, but didn’t take any pictures, despite the fact that I hadn’t seen those friends in the past three years. I’m smart! So I’m going to tell the story of Denver using stock images I found using Google. Get ready.

My first night out in Denver we went to a bar called “The Bull & Bush” for dinner. It was sort of like a Ponderosa, but the food was quite tasty. I had the chicken fried steak. That’s a steak coated in batter, then fried. It was so good that I wanted to make a mask out of it and wear it on my face. But I didn’t because that would be gross.

Then we went to a bar called “The Candlelight,” which, despite its name, also sort of looked like a Ponderosa. Everything in Denver, as I would soon discover, is made out of exposed wood. They should rename it Denverosa. Am I right?

Anyway, beers in Denver only cost about 3 bucks, as opposed to 5 or more in New York, so I started sucking them down like…uh, cheap beers. My friend Paul also bought a couple round of shots, but only when his girlfriend wasn’t looking, because she doesn’t let Paul do shots anymore because sometimes he throws up on himself when he drinks them. His roommates also told me that Paul accidentally crapped his pants at a party recently and then fell over a fence. Oh, what I would have given to see that.

At this point, Paul asked me what I wanted to do while I was in Denver and I told him that I wanted to see the sites. Paul suggested that I get my picture taken in front of Columbine High School. I thought that was a good idea. If anyone asked me while I was getting my picture taken there, I would explain that I live about a five minute walk from Ground Zero, and I thought I’d see if people from other cities liked having their tragedies exploited for vacation photo ops.(Applause line!) We decided that wasn’t a good idea.

Paul and his roommates had to work the next day(Friday) so we went home early. They asked me what I wanted to do the next day and I said they could just drop me off downtown and I would walk around for a few hours. When I was a kid, I hated walking around with my parents when they would take me on vacations to strange cities, but now I really enjoy it.

Friday morning, Paul’s roommate Cody dropped me off in what is known as “LoDo,” which is short for “Lower Downtown.” It sure is! I walked down 16th street, which is also known as the “16th Street Mall.” It’s not a mall in the Washington, D.C. sense of the word. It’s a mall in the Pottery Barn-Banana Republic-Burrito Stand type of mall, except it’s outside! Weee!

After I had my fill of those stores, I saw a movie and went to the Denver Art Museum. The DAM, as it’s known, was pretty cool. That’s not a picture of it, though. That’s a picture of the new annex, designed by Daniel Libeskind, being added to the Denver Art Museum. I just liked that picture.

I walked around downtown Denver some more and you know what I discovered? Downtown Denver has a lot of homeless meth addicts. And they all want change! From me! There are also a lot of Colorado-themed stores on the 16th St. Mall. I wanted to buy a Colorado sweatshirt with a buffalo on it while I was down there, but didn’t for some reason. I guess I don’t like other places appropriating the symbol of my hometown. Get out of my face, Denver!

Cody picked me up later and we listened to a Kool Keith CD. You should go buy that. It’s about diesel truckers. Diesel truckers who are the best. After that we played some darts back at Paul’s house and went to a bar. Guess what it looked like? Ponderosa!!! Yay! Then we drank a lot of beers, and a few shots when Paul’s girlfriend was in the bathroom. After that, we went to another bar that did not look like a Ponderosa. Then we went to another that did. The circle of life, homes. Know what I’m saying?

That’s all I have time for now. I’ll post the rest of the trip later if I feel like it. I try to keep these diary-type posts to a minimum because I’m afraid if I talk about myself too much, all the sexy teens out there will start stalking me. Get away, sexy teens! I’ve got a life to live!

(While watching The Godfather Part II)

ROOMMATE: What’s the name of that actor?

ME: Which one?

ROOMMATE: The one sitting in the chair.

ME: Him? Uh, that’s your dad.

ROOMMATE: No, seriously, what’s that guy’s name?

ME: Seriously, that’s your dad. He was one of the finest character actors of the 70’s. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.

ROOMMATE: Jack, I think I would know if my father were a character actor.

ME: I would think so, too, but obviously you’re not aware of it.

ROOMMATE: Why do you do this?

ME: Because I’m awesome.

ROOMMATE: You’re ridiculous.

ME: Ridiculously awesome?

ROOMMATE: I’m moving out as soon as the lease is up.

ME: Good. More room for my awesomeness.

ROOMMATE: (shakes head and sighs)

Related:Hypothetical Question.

Playboy just announced their rankings of the top party schools in the country for only the third time in their history. For some reason, this one didn’t make the list. (Scroll all the way down.)

Screw you, Liberty University. Any school that fines you 500 bucks for “Involvement with witchcraft, séances or other occult activities” is not one that I want to party at. My best memories of college involve getting up at 10am for some wake and bake, drinking Icehouse all day at the football tailgates, then heading down to Fraternity Row to try and raise the dead. Oh, college.

By the way, John McCain will be delivering the commencement address at Liberty University, and he’s taking a lot of heat for it. I assume he and his wife will be staying in separate dorms, lest he incur a $500 fine and a shitload of reprimands.

Thanks to Ryan for sending this in.

Update: Someone else on the Internet thought of this idea first. And they did it better, too.

I’m flying back from Denver today and won’t be near a computer until much later on in the afternoon. Maybe I’ll have a recap of my trip. Maybe not. Only time will tell. Until then, enjoy this half-assed terrible idea for a party:

You know how in college, kids throw theme parties so girls have an excuse to dress slutty and the guys have an excuse to ogle them? Parties like “Pimps and Hos” or “Dirty Old Men and Schoolgirls?”
What if someone threw a “Couches and Chairs” theme party? And the guys dressed up like couches and the girls dressed up like chairs? God, that would be one horrible party. Everyone’s costume would be equal parts unsexy and unwieldy.

And then the “Couches” would sit down on couches. And maybe some of the “Chairs” would sit down on chairs. That would be meta. Man, when it comes to terrible ideas, I’ve got a million. My brain hurts from the lack of oxygen here.