I Have Many Wives
Fifteen to be exact. I never said anything about them before because I was afraid I would get in trouble with the government, but with the recent success of HBO’s Big Love, I figure I need to cash in on this polygamy trend, repercussions be damned.
First off, here is a picture of my wives.
My, they are an athletic bunch! Don’t you think? The two guys in the back? Those are my sons. Their names are Ryder Hudson Kukoda and Jaared Tyler Kukoda. Those are classy names, I think. I also have 35 more sons. Don’t ask me to recite all of their names because I have no idea. The only reason I can remember Ryder and Jaared’s names is because they are the oldest sons, and therefore, the ones who pose the greatest risk to my wife-hording. As such, I’ve got to keep an eye on them. And part of keeping an eye on them is knowing their names. I digress.
The important thing to remember is that I am the kind of man who can attract and give satisfaction to fifteen women. Would you like to be one of those women? Of course you would. But it’s not as easy as it sounds.
I’m a very particular man and I know what I’m looking for in a wife to add to my polygamous marriage. So before you go all willy-nilly calling and emailing me in an effort to become Mrs. Kukoda #16, I suggest you check out these ground rules first.
1. You must have a good voice. I’m not saying it has to be great, but at least good enough to have won you the lead in your high school’s spring musical. Bonus points if that musical happened to be “Damn Yankees” or “West Side Story.” Those of you who were in “Grease” need not apply. For obvious reasons.
2. You’ve got to be a good cook. Again, I’m not looking for perfection. Can you add browned hamburger meat to Hamburger Helper at the right time? If so, I consider you a good cook. Bonus points if you bring me Hamburger Helper on our first date.
3. You have to have a job. I don’t like to work. You must be okay with this and be willing to earn enough money to support me.
4. No Mexicans.
5. You must be in outstanding health. My sexual prowess has been known to cripple infirm women.
6. You must be good at basketball. The other wives play some mean pick-up games and I want you to keep up.
So yeah, you might have what it takes to be my new wife. Or something. Guess who’s drunk?!!!!! (me)
