I Am A Glutton
I’ve been trying to lose some weight recently. Nothing drastic, just shed a few pounds before bathing suit season starts. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about! To do so, I’ve been trying to eat a little better and exercise. And since I kept to my diet all week, I decided to reward myself on Sunday with a little fast food. I headed over to Canal Street to get some and ran into a dilemma. Should I go to McDonald’s, where I usually get my fast food, or the Burger King across the street?
On the one hand, I was in the mood for a Whopper. I hadn’t had a Whopper in over a year and it sounded really good. Shit, Whoppers are delicious. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. On the other hand, I really like McDonald’s fries. Damn, those are some good fries. Then I remembered, hey, this is America. I can get both. Who’s going to stop me? Not you, Saddam Hussein! You’re in jail. Thanks to me!(I didn’t really have anything to do with that.)
I went over to Burger King and got my Whopper. The Burger King was a piece of shit and full of meth addicts. It reminded me of this Onion article. Whopper in hand, I walked across the street to McDonald’s. That particular McDonald’s is pretty fancy compared to the Burger King, although I once saw a one-legged man piss all over himself while waiting for his filet-o-fish. Filet-o-fish’s are gross. So was the guy who peed himself. I digress.
I ordered a whole chicken Mcnugget value meal, For those non-McDonald’s afficionados, that’s TEN Mcnuggets, fries, and a drink. It came in a huge bag. Christ, I was embarrassed. Since it’s Chinatown, there were a lot of foreign tourists around, and I could tell they were looking at me with a combination of disgust and pity as I carried both a Burger King and McDonald’s bag down the street. I must have reaffirmed every stereotype they had ever heard about Americans being lazy, overweight slobs. I was sure somebody was going to take my picture and send it around the world in an e-mail forward, accompanied by a picture of a starving Ethiopian child. The title of that email would be “Why terrorists hate America.”
So look forward to that email. And look forward to less posts about my personal life in the near future. Because it’s boring and gross. Yay!
