How Sexy Is Too Sexy?
That’s a question that we all have to answer for ourselves. Some people tell me that I dress too sexy for my own good. They say that the reason that I can’t get a good job is because I show up to interviews in hot pants and tube tops that say stuff like “I’m a flirt!” or “Everybody loves my balls.” Hey, here’s a news flash, America: I’ll dress as sexy as I like. Furthermore, everybody does love my balls, which means I’m just telling it like it is. And you can’t fault me for that.
And since I’m such an expert, here’s a handy guide to what is sexy and what is not sexy.
Sexy: The Ross Ice Shelf
If you tell me that you can look at this hot piece of ice without becoming the least bit aroused, then you don’t have a pulse.
Not Sexy: The Larsen Ice Shelf
Hey, Larsen Ice Shelf! I know how we can slow global warming: by putting a paper bag over you, you unsexy block of frozen water! Ugh, I lost my wood just looking at you.
Sexy: The Sessile Oak
Damn, that’s a sexy oak. I’m gonna have to hose myself off after this, Sessy.
Not Sexy: The Red Oak
You’ve got to be kidding, Red Oak. On a scale of 1 to Sexy, you’re not even on the scale! Uh, I can’t believe I even have you on my website.
Sexy: Linguine with Vodka Sauce
Ooh, linguine with vodka sauce. I don’t have to say nothin’ to you. You just keep on keepin’ on, okay?
Not Sexy: Melanie Griffith
Yowza.
And that, my friends, is how you execute a cheap shot.
