Denver, As Told Through Google Images
Last weekend I went to Denver to visit some friends, but didn’t take any pictures, despite the fact that I hadn’t seen those friends in the past three years. I’m smart! So I’m going to tell the story of Denver using stock images I found using Google. Get ready.
My first night out in Denver we went to a bar called “The Bull & Bush” for dinner. It was sort of like a Ponderosa, but the food was quite tasty. I had the chicken fried steak. That’s a steak coated in batter, then fried. It was so good that I wanted to make a mask out of it and wear it on my face. But I didn’t because that would be gross.
Then we went to a bar called “The Candlelight,” which, despite its name, also sort of looked like a Ponderosa. Everything in Denver, as I would soon discover, is made out of exposed wood. They should rename it Denverosa. Am I right?
Anyway, beers in Denver only cost about 3 bucks, as opposed to 5 or more in New York, so I started sucking them down like…uh, cheap beers. My friend Paul also bought a couple round of shots, but only when his girlfriend wasn’t looking, because she doesn’t let Paul do shots anymore because sometimes he throws up on himself when he drinks them. His roommates also told me that Paul accidentally crapped his pants at a party recently and then fell over a fence. Oh, what I would have given to see that.
At this point, Paul asked me what I wanted to do while I was in Denver and I told him that I wanted to see the sites. Paul suggested that I get my picture taken in front of Columbine High School. I thought that was a good idea. If anyone asked me while I was getting my picture taken there, I would explain that I live about a five minute walk from Ground Zero, and I thought I’d see if people from other cities liked having their tragedies exploited for vacation photo ops.(Applause line!) We decided that wasn’t a good idea.
Paul and his roommates had to work the next day(Friday) so we went home early. They asked me what I wanted to do the next day and I said they could just drop me off downtown and I would walk around for a few hours. When I was a kid, I hated walking around with my parents when they would take me on vacations to strange cities, but now I really enjoy it.
Friday morning, Paul’s roommate Cody dropped me off in what is known as “LoDo,” which is short for “Lower Downtown.” It sure is! I walked down 16th street, which is also known as the “16th Street Mall.” It’s not a mall in the Washington, D.C. sense of the word. It’s a mall in the Pottery Barn-Banana Republic-Burrito Stand type of mall, except it’s outside! Weee!
After I had my fill of those stores, I saw a movie and went to the Denver Art Museum. The DAM, as it’s known, was pretty cool. That’s not a picture of it, though. That’s a picture of the new annex, designed by Daniel Libeskind, being added to the Denver Art Museum. I just liked that picture.
I walked around downtown Denver some more and you know what I discovered? Downtown Denver has a lot of homeless meth addicts. And they all want change! From me! There are also a lot of Colorado-themed stores on the 16th St. Mall. I wanted to buy a Colorado sweatshirt with a buffalo on it while I was down there, but didn’t for some reason. I guess I don’t like other places appropriating the symbol of my hometown. Get out of my face, Denver!
Cody picked me up later and we listened to a Kool Keith CD. You should go buy that. It’s about diesel truckers. Diesel truckers who are the best. After that we played some darts back at Paul’s house and went to a bar. Guess what it looked like? Ponderosa!!! Yay! Then we drank a lot of beers, and a few shots when Paul’s girlfriend was in the bathroom. After that, we went to another bar that did not look like a Ponderosa. Then we went to another that did. The circle of life, homes. Know what I’m saying?
That’s all I have time for now. I’ll post the rest of the trip later if I feel like it. I try to keep these diary-type posts to a minimum because I’m afraid if I talk about myself too much, all the sexy teens out there will start stalking me. Get away, sexy teens! I’ve got a life to live!
