Jack Kukoda

So, tomorrow’s my birthday. I’m not making a big deal out of it because I’m not really crazy about birthdays or birthday parties. I like going to other people’s birthday parties, but when it comes to my own, I just feel kind of awkward.

So, instead of inviting all of you to a birthday party and making you buy me drinks all night, I thought I’d just put my wishlist online, and let you spend your money on gifts for me. The following items are listed in order of how much I want them.

1. A Jingoistic Monster Truck

2. Two Barrels of Maple Syrup Being Pulled by a Donkey

That’s all. Those are the only things I want for my birthday.

I’m guessing that a monster truck is pretty expensive, so some of you guys might want to go in on that together. That’s fine by me. As for the donkey-pulled syrup, please note that I only want maple syrup if it comes in gigantic barrels. If you get me a regular-sized container of syrup, I’ll probably just throw it against the wall and tell you to go to hell. And don’t even think of getting me those barrels if they’re not pulled by a donkey. I know a mule when I see one and I won’t be amused if you try to sneak one by me.

Thank you in advance for making my birthday so special.