Guess How Much I Can Bench
Go ahead, guess. Nope. Higher. No. Even higher. You know what, just stop guessing because you’ll never get it. I can bench press 50 air conditioners. You heard me right. Fifty air conditioners. You know how much 50 air conditioners weighs? About 8 bathtubs. 8 of them, man. What’s that you say? You have no idea how much one bathtub weighs, let alone eight, and therefore, you’re unable to fully comprehend how much I’m capable of benching? Okay, I’ll break it down a little more for you so you can get a grip on my power.
800 back issues of Time Magazine. That’s how much 8 bathtubs weigh, homes. 800 issues! That’s 16 years of Time. I’m talking Jimmy Carter’s inauguration all the way up to the first Gulf War. You want to read about “Baby Jessica?” How about the Iran-Contra affair? Maybe a puff piece on the making of E.T. is more to your liking? Well, shit, come on down to my weight room and flip through one of the issues that’s currently being pushed away from my torso. ‘Cause I’m not reading ‘em, dude. I’m pressing ‘em.
I’m talking the clawfoot kind! Times 8!
Tell you what, don’t come down to my weight room. You standing around down there would just fuck up my rhythm. I’ll just give you this handy conversion chart, and then you can spend the rest of your weekend marvelling at the objects I’m able to bench.
50 Air Conditioners
or
8 Bathtubs
or
800 Issues of Time
or
300 Microwaves
or
50,000 Goose Down Pillows
or
9 Clones of Myself(I’m guessing)
or
75 Heavy Duty Filing Cabinets
or
10,000 Copies of Pearl Jam’s Ten
Taste it!
There will be a new goat up later today. It will change your life.
