Every movie set in the not-so-distant future contains a number of the
same elements: a corrupt, Big Brother-esque government; flying cars; and super potent drugs that pacify the masses. Go ahead, name some movies that are set in the near future. I bet they’ve got super drugs in them. Shit, I’ll do it for you. Prayer of the Rollerboys had “The Rope,” Robocop 2 had “Nuke” and New Jack City had “Crack.” Wait, that one’s real. At any rate, here’s a short, but handy guide to the super drugs. Feel free to add some if you can remember any.
Movie: Prayer of the Rollerboys
Drug: “The Rope”
How It Was Ingested: I think it was smoked out of a machine that sort of looked like an IV, but don’t quote me because I’m going by memory here. I’m certainly not going to rent it to verify this.
What It Did: Made you lazy, again, I think.
Movie: A Clockwork Orange
Drug: Korova Milkbar Milkshakes
How It Was Ingested: Drunk in a creepy bar that is recreated on Avenue A.
What It Did: “Sharpened you up and made you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.” Basically, turned you into a raping and stabbing maniac.
Movie: Sleeper
Drug: That Orb
How It Was Ingested: You just held on to it.
What It Did: Made you all tingly, from what I could gather.
Movie: Minority Report
Drug: I Forget the Name.
How It Was Ingested: Just like an asthma inhaler.
What It Did: (Insert Tom Cruise is crazy joke here.)
Movie: Robocop 2
Drug: “Nuke”
How It Was Ingested: Don’t remember, but I’m pretty sure that it glowed.
What It Did: Made you crazy.
So what happened to all these super drugs? I’m happy we don’t have a 1984-style government, and I live in New York so I can do without the flying cars, but where are the super drugs? I’ve developed a pretty strong tolerance to everything that’s available right now, so some super drugs would come in handy. Last night I rolled some horse tranquilizers into a joint, dipped it in formaldehyde, smoked it, blew the smoke into a syringe, then shot the smoke directly into my eyeballs. I got a little buzz, but nothing major. Oh well, there’s always the choking game. That sounds fun and safe.
P.S. Today’s my birthday!!!!!!!!!