Screw You, Meat Plant Workers
So 8 workers at a meat-processing plant in Nebraska won the Powerball jackpot worth 315 million dollars. After taxes, they’ll each get about $15.5 million each. I should probably be happy for these 8 people, 3 of whom are immigrants, who just last week were working a shit-ass job processing ham, and are now multi-millionaires. But I’m not. And it’s not because I’m jealous of them or petty. It’s because I think if you’re going to win something called “Powerball,” it should be a lot more difficult than just buying a ticket and picking some numbers.
If I were in charge of things, “Powerball” would be a sport that combined roller derby, skee ball, and all of the events from “The Running Man” into one horrific contest of blood and mayhem. Sure, you would still have a chance to win millions of dollars, but not before you fought another man to the death in an eight-sided ring. That ring would be known as the “Power Ring,” which would be free from the laws that govern the United States, or simple human decency, for that matter. In other words, anything goes.
If someone made it out of the Power Ring, they would immediately go into the Gauntlet of Death, which isn’t so much a gauntlet as it is a room where people throw skee balls at you and try to steal your pants. If you managed to get out of the gauntlet with your pants intact, you’d then have to fight a sumo wrestler equipped with goalie pads and a machete/hockey stick. I told you there would be some Running Man in there.
Finally, if you completed all of these tasks, you would get your precious $15 million. And the next day you would be a guest on Live With Regis and Kelly. A pretty sweet deal, all in all.
TV executives, I know you’re reading this. Let’s get this show into production ASAP. And as I’ve said before, I prefer to be paid in truckloads of cash. Between this and my children’s books, I’m sitting on a freaking gold mine.
8 Nebraska co-workers share record Powerball jackpot via CNN
