I’ll Buy The Guns, You Make The Uniforms
Last night, after watching a commercial for the Army on television, I asked my roommate if he would like to join the Army with me. He thought I said “an army” and asked which one I thought we should join. “No,” I said. “The Army. The US Army.” My roommate said that he didn’t want to join the Army, but he would start a militia with me. I agreed.
Now comes the hard part: what does our militia stand for? Every militia has to have a purpose. Whether it’s defending your right to bear arms, your right to commit polygamy, or just old-fashioned government paranoia, your militia has got to have a driving force. To paraphrase Woody Allen in Annie Hall, “A militia, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark. And, incidentally, if you want this gun, you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”
That last part of the quote wasn’t in the movie. Or maybe it was. I lent my copy of Annie Hall to someone years ago and I still haven’t gotten it back. Asshole. I digress, here is the manifesto for our militia of two:
1. Unlike Fight Club, feel free to talk about the militia to as many people as you like. That’s right, this militia definitely exists. In fact, we’re in the processing of setting up a myspace page for it.
2. When you come into the apartment, leave the militia at the door. Now that we’re starting a militia, my roommate and I are going to be spending even more time together. I don’t want to hear the same stories while I’m watching TV that I just heard on the firing range/obstacle course.
3. Minorities are welcome. Just to set our militia apart.
4. Arctic camouflage all the time. It just looks cooler than regular, or even desert, camouflage.
5. Don’t forget: Just have fun.
Don’t even pretend you don’t think this shirt looks awesome.
That’s all the bullet points I can think of right now. Feel free to contact me if you have any other good rules or would even like to join our militia. If we can get enough people by springtime, we’re going to join a softball league.
