A History Of Ridiculous Valentine’s Day Gestures
Men have been trying to impress women on Valentine’s Day since the beginning of time. Here’s a quick history of some of the most famous cases.
150 A.D. Titus Vesuvius, First man to try to break up the wedding of the woman he loved.
Titus stormed into the wedding feast of his beloved, pounding on the stone walls of the palace and shouting her name. The family of the groom, however, were close friends of the Roman Imperial family, and sicced their guards on Titus. He attempted to fight them off using a cross, but was unsuccessful. He was crucified later that day, ironically, on the same cross.
1250 A.D. Oliver Cronenstaff, First man to bring a woman flowers.
Oliver thought he would really impress his love by giving her a bundle of posies he had picked. Unfortunately, the other villagers found out and deduced that she had cast a spell over him. She was burned at the stake for witchcraft. Oliver killed himself days later.
1500 A.D. Fabrizio LeManza, First man to send his lady a Valentine’s Day card.
Fabrizio struggled for months to compose the perfect lyrical poem to prove his devotion to the woman he loved. He then copied it to beautiful parchment, on which an artist friend had painted a lovely sunset, and sent it to her. Since his lady was a commoner, and therefore, unable to read, she assumed Fabrizio was mocking her. Before Fabrizio could explain himself, he contracted the plague and his girlfriend was kidnapped by gypsies.
1874 Arthur Popenstaff, First man to stand outside his girlfriend’s window holding a record player over his head.
Arthur showed up at the farmhouse of his girlfriend playing the most popular tune of the day. Sadly, this was 1874 and the average phonograph weighed over 300 pounds. Arthur’s spine was crushed beyond repair. He lived for a few more months thanks to the most advanced technology available, but it wasn’t much of a life.
1930 Frank Langley, First man to send a singing telegram to his girlfriend’s workplace.
Frank thought a singing telegram would win his lady’s heart. This being 1930, though, women were fairly new in the workplace and anything that drew attention to them was frowned up. As a result, Frank’s lady love was fired on the spot. Since it was the Depression, she couldn’t find any honest work and was forced to turn to prostitution. She eventually contracted Tuberculosis, died penniless, and was tossed into a pauper’s grave.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
