Jack Kukoda

I came across this headline on Yahoo! News earlier today.

Financial scams expected to boom as boomers age

You better believe these scams will increase, and so will their victims, starting with my parents. As those two Baby Boomers enter their twilight years, I’ll fleece them for everything they’ve got:

SFX: Phone Ringing

ME:(Disguising My Voice) Hello? Is this the Kukodas?

THEM:(My Confused and Senile Parents) What? Who is this? Where is my soup?

ME: I have your son, Jack. I have kidnapped him.

THEM: Who is this? Is this about the furnace?

ME: No, it’s not about the furnace. Dammit, Mo-. I mean, uh, send me some money if you ever want to see your son again.

THEM: Which son?

ME: You only have one son, for Christ’s sake. Just go to your purse, take out all the cash you have, and put it in the that potted plant on the front porch.

THEM: Why does the plant want money?

ME: Arrh! Just do it, you old coots! If you want to see your son alive again, put some freaking money in that ugly plant that I used to trip over on the way to school all the time!

THEM: Who is this? Clare, is that you?

ME: No, it’s not Clare! It’s a kidnapper who has your son! And I swear I’ll kill him if you don’t put that money under the plant.

THEM: Okay, I’ll put the money in the plant.

ME: Sweet!

THEM: It’s all the money I have left, though. It seems our son Jack gets kidnapped at least once a week. Oh, well. When you release our son, could you at least ask him to call us? We’d love to hear how he’s-

ME: (Just before I hang up) Click!

And that’s how I’ll keep myself in deep-dish pizzas well into my thirties.

More On My Parents’ Senility: The 7 Habits Of Highly Lonely Parents