Jack Kukoda

Who wore it better: Ruth Bader Ginsburg or Anna Nicole Smith?

Well, this took way too long for something that’s not very funny. And yes, I read my sister’s US Weekly’s.

Anna Nicole Smith Appearing at Supreme Court via CNN

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of the Sci Fi network. Not because I’m a sci fi fan, but because it runs the X-Files in syndication. I said it, I’m a fan of the X-Files. So what? I’ve also gotten into watching the orginal Twilight Zones, which are really great. The byproduct of all this Sci Fi Channel watching is that I end up seeing countless promos for their other programs that I would never, ever watch. Shows like Stargate: SG1 and its spinoff, Stargate:Atlantis. I’m going to hazard a guess that that one takes place underwater.

But those shows are pretty normal in comparison to some of Sci Fi’s original movies. Their movies follow the same basic plotlines as big-budget disaster movies, but with much, much worse special effects that look almost cartoonish. They also make a lot of movies about giant prehistoric animals like wooly mammoths or pterodactyls. Those movies have titles like Mammoth and Pterodactyl. Pretty creative titling, huh?

My favorite thing, though, about these movies is that they always have at least one semi-famous actor in them, which makes them really bizarre looking. Here are some of my favorite Sci Fi Original Pictures, along with screenshots of their stars.

That’s Amy Jo Johnson, the original Pink Power Ranger. And she’s got a date…with lava!

Here’s another:

If you’ve been wondering what John Rhys-Davies has been doing since the Indian Jones franchise, apparently, he’s been captaining a ship and fighting the Chupacabra when he can find the time.

Look at the first-billed star. Look at him! It’s Coolio, and he’s hunting pterodactyls. And why shouldn’t he?

There are a whole lot more of these on the Sci Fi Channel’s website. And that movie Mammoth? Yeah, Tom Skerrit is in it. I have a soft spot for Tom, though, so I couldn’t bring myself to put up a picture of it.

I’ll post some stuff later on today that does not pertain to my love of the X-Files or the Sci Fi Channel. This one was just for the ladies.

According to this article, a box of brand-name crackers was digitally added to an episode of “Yes, Dear” last spring. And I am furious! Product placement in America’s greatest television shows has gone too far. I didn’t say anything when a can of Diet Coke was prominently displayed on “The King of Queens” last month, but this crosses the line.

The next time I see Greg or Kim Warner eat a Digiorno Pizza on “Yes, Dear,” how will I know if they’re doing it because it’s true to their characters, or if it’s just more shameless product placement? I won’t, that’s how!

By the way, apparently, this show “Yes, Dear” has managed to stay on the air for six whole seasons. That doesn’t seem possible.

Digital Product Placement Alters TV Landscape [Yahoo!]

One day last week, I was pressed for time and couldn’t think of anything to write for the site, so I posted some pictures of my friend Clark’s goats. I also asked people to send me pictures of their goats, if they had any, with the promise that I would put them on my website. I didn’t really think anybody would, aside from my friend Abby who sent me a Powerpoint goat, which was awesome, thank you very much.

Then, around 1am on Monday night, I got an email from someone who goes by the name “Goatlady” that made my freaking week. I can’t do the email justice by describing it, so I’m just going to paste it in verbatim. The email:

“I thought you would get a kick out of this- This is BabyGirl, watching Ellen. Yes she is a house goat trained and everything! And Loves her Ellen show!

BabyGirl is an 8 yr old Cashgora, half Angora half Cashmere. Yes I have other goats, but she is a favorite without a doubt. She even has her own website- Well it needs updated badly but her story is amazing!”

Look at this! It’s a goat eating hay. In a house. While watching Ellen! If you can find another website with pictures of a house-goat named BabyGirl watching “Ellen” while eating hay, I will personally come over to your house and punch your face because you are a goddamn liar.

The email continues:

“Oh, I coudn’t resist, this is another picture of BabyGirl and her kids, Sabrina and Mijo, they are 2 yrs apart, Mijo is the baby in this pic.”

Good Lord! Are you seeing this? That’s a portrait of a goat family with a Photoshopped bouquet of flowers behind them. Look at the halo effect around those goats! I love you, GoatLady!

If you would like to learn more about the GoatLady, she has a website where you can learn all about goats and even buy some goat-related merchandise. Shirts, hats, even thongs. Go there now: Get Yer Goat. Really, go there now and support GoatLady and her goats. And here’s BabyGirl’s website. Her story just might break your heart. I mean that in all seriousness. I just read it and found myself tearing up, but don’t worry, it has a happy ending.

That’s all for now. I have to go work at my sweet ass part-time job where I unplug computer wires and then put them in a bag. Sometimes I think the only way my life could be more glamorous is if I wore a ball gown all day while dancing horses fed me caviar. I’ll try to post something later today, but if not, there will be a new video next week. Look for it.

A while back, I had some issues with the boiler in my apartment building. Well, one issue, and that issue was that my boiler was not working for six straight days, which meant I had no heat. You can read all about it here. My management company promised to reimburse us for the days we went without heat. After calling them and leaving message after message, someone finally got back to me and left me a message that said we could deduct six months off of our rent. I’m pretty sure she meant six days, but I have her on tape saying six months. Ha ha!

I’m no lawyer, but I think I have a rock-solid case. I’m not paying rent again until July! And when I do pay rent, I’m going to do so in Canadian dollars! The case will be tied up in the courts for years! And when I finally do go to court, I’m going to speak French. Canadian French at that! And then I’m going to kill a guy! With an axe!

Oh, we’ll all have a good laugh at that one. My roommate, my management company, and I will all look back and say remember that time you accidentally said months instead of days and then we went to court, and then I killed a man with an axe for some reason? Ah, salad days, my friend. Salad days.

1. Wooden Eye
2. Glass Leg
3. Bamboo Arm

Thank you, I’ll be here all day. In my room.

So 8 workers at a meat-processing plant in Nebraska won the Powerball jackpot worth 315 million dollars. After taxes, they’ll each get about $15.5 million each. I should probably be happy for these 8 people, 3 of whom are immigrants, who just last week were working a shit-ass job processing ham, and are now multi-millionaires. But I’m not. And it’s not because I’m jealous of them or petty. It’s because I think if you’re going to win something called “Powerball,” it should be a lot more difficult than just buying a ticket and picking some numbers.

If I were in charge of things, “Powerball” would be a sport that combined roller derby, skee ball, and all of the events from “The Running Man” into one horrific contest of blood and mayhem. Sure, you would still have a chance to win millions of dollars, but not before you fought another man to the death in an eight-sided ring. That ring would be known as the “Power Ring,” which would be free from the laws that govern the United States, or simple human decency, for that matter. In other words, anything goes.

If someone made it out of the Power Ring, they would immediately go into the Gauntlet of Death, which isn’t so much a gauntlet as it is a room where people throw skee balls at you and try to steal your pants. If you managed to get out of the gauntlet with your pants intact, you’d then have to fight a sumo wrestler equipped with goalie pads and a machete/hockey stick. I told you there would be some Running Man in there.

Finally, if you completed all of these tasks, you would get your precious $15 million. And the next day you would be a guest on Live With Regis and Kelly. A pretty sweet deal, all in all.

TV executives, I know you’re reading this. Let’s get this show into production ASAP. And as I’ve said before, I prefer to be paid in truckloads of cash. Between this and my children’s books, I’m sitting on a freaking gold mine.

8 Nebraska co-workers share record Powerball jackpot via CNN

J.P. Losman, QB #7

AKA “Adam Sandler’s Next Movie Character”

Starting at quarterback for the Bills, Happy Waterboy Gilmore Madison.

(I briefly considered putting a stop to this recurring feature since the Bills’ season is over, then I remembered that if I continue it throughout the offseason, I’ll be able to have a nickname for all the Bills by the opening of training camp. Also, it’s good space filler.)

I feel the need to point out that my Mom actually came up with this nickname. That’s right, my mother is ghostwriting my website. Jealous much, J.D. Salinger? Anyway, I was talking to her at the start of the Bills’ season and asked her what she thought of the new quarterback. “I don’t know about him,” she said. “He looks like one of those crazy people Adam Sandler would play.”

And she’s right. JP does look like a Sandler character. I don’t what else I can add to that.

Oh, I was just checking some Bills fans message boards and I saw a couple people refer to Losman as “The Waterboy,” So I’m not claiming to be the first person to notice it. We Buffalonians are a sharp bunch is all I’m saying.

Incidentally, does anyone think the sentence, “I was just checking some Buffalo Bills fans message boards…” would be a good way to start a first date? Because I do.

Previous Bills Nicknames

Last night, after watching a commercial for the Army on television, I asked my roommate if he would like to join the Army with me. He thought I said “an army” and asked which one I thought we should join. “No,” I said. “The Army. The US Army.” My roommate said that he didn’t want to join the Army, but he would start a militia with me. I agreed.

Now comes the hard part: what does our militia stand for? Every militia has to have a purpose. Whether it’s defending your right to bear arms, your right to commit polygamy, or just old-fashioned government paranoia, your militia has got to have a driving force. To paraphrase Woody Allen in Annie Hall, “A militia, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark. And, incidentally, if you want this gun, you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”

That last part of the quote wasn’t in the movie. Or maybe it was. I lent my copy of Annie Hall to someone years ago and I still haven’t gotten it back. Asshole. I digress, here is the manifesto for our militia of two:

1. Unlike Fight Club, feel free to talk about the militia to as many people as you like. That’s right, this militia definitely exists. In fact, we’re in the processing of setting up a myspace page for it.
2. When you come into the apartment, leave the militia at the door. Now that we’re starting a militia, my roommate and I are going to be spending even more time together. I don’t want to hear the same stories while I’m watching TV that I just heard on the firing range/obstacle course.
3. Minorities are welcome. Just to set our militia apart.
4. Arctic camouflage all the time. It just looks cooler than regular, or even desert, camouflage.
5. Don’t forget: Just have fun.

Don’t even pretend you don’t think this shirt looks awesome.
That’s all the bullet points I can think of right now. Feel free to contact me if you have any other good rules or would even like to join our militia. If we can get enough people by springtime, we’re going to join a softball league.

So you’ve probably seen the story that a 62-year-old woman gave birth over the weekend. And maybe you’ve seen photos of her. But have you seen the image Yahoo is using as a link to their video coverage of the story? Be glad if you haven’t. ‘Cause here it is:

Oh my God, that is one of the most disgusting pictures I’ve ever seen on the Internet. I’m talking about the whole Internet. Trust me, there is some real filth out there, yet this screen capture of a flabby-necked 62-year-old baby-pooper, mouth-agape is one the grossest things I’ve seen. That’s all.

Calif. Woman, 62, Gives Birth to Baby Boy via Yahoo! News

Update: My Mom just called to tell me this woman is blind! Whoops! Didn’t mean to make fun of the blind. This still doesn’t change the fact that Yahoo! should definitely not be using this photo, which was my original point.

Vote for your favorite presidential whale! The first one is named, uh, James K. Whale-Polk. And the second? Let’s call him Warren G. Blowhole. Sure, why not? Feel free to vote for your favorite in the comments section!

(Dignified Whale Voice) “Look at me jump! Surely I deserve your vote!”

“No, I am the more deserving whale! And I think a better name for me would have been William Jefferson Plankton.”

And for your information, this took me a good thirty minutes. Enjoy your day off, everybody! And for the record, Geoff Haggerty does the best whale impression I’ve ever heard.

Happy Presidents Day, everybody! I’m making it a half day today because: 1. I’m massively depressed and can’t muster the energy to write anything worthwhile, 2. I’m going to honor every one of our Presidents by dressing up in traditional Presidential garb, and 3. I’m baking the world’s largest cake and can’t be bothered.

Why am I depressed? What exactly is Presidential garb? For whom am I baking this giant cake? These questions and more will be answered later.

Since I didn’t have anything else to post, I did a Google Image search for “President Whale” hoping that someone had once photoshopped a picture of a whale to look like a president, which I thought would be pretty fun to post. Instead, I found this, which is much, much better. Please take the time to poke around this guy’s site. It’s truly incredible.

At first I couldn’t figure out if the site was a parody or not. I’m pretty sure it is, but I also discovered that the guy really exists, really ran for President, and best of all, is from Buffalo, NY.

So, yeah, you’re pretty out there, Mr. Levinson. Congratulations. And I’ll be back at full strength tomorrow. Like you care.

Not much to roundup this week. And I’m having trouble concentrating because I’m flying to Vegas tomorrow. I might try to post some stuff from there, but it’s unlikely. Hopefully I’ll have an assload of photos and stuff to post when I return sometime on Monday.

Here’s a visual representation of my trip.

This is me leaving New York. I’m really flying JetBlue, for added authenticity.

This is where I’m going.

This is what I hope does not happen when I return.

See you soon!

I asked and you delivered. We’ve got a brand-new goat to brighten your Friday and get you ready for the weekend. This goat comes to us from fellow comedian, blogger, and all around delightful gal, Abby Scott. Abby tells me that this particular goat is from the “PowerPoint” species. Check him out!

(Goat voice) “My left eye is bigger because it’s focusing on that delicious can.”

Abby tells me that her goat is named “Chompers” and that she met him at a petting zoo made of ones and zeroes. All I know is that he’s a great goat! Thanks, Abby!

See the original goat post for details on how you can have your goat featured on Kukoda.com

Last night I had to escort this blind ex-Army Colonel all over the city. I forget why, but I had to. We ended up having a bunch of crazy adventures. I let him drive a car, we taught this woman to tango, and then he slept with a prostitute to cap the night off. Later he tried to kill himself, but I convinced him not to. I’m think of selling this story to a movie studio. I think a good title for it would be “How Women Smell.” That, or “The Yelling Blind Man.”

God, that was so unfunny I’m ashamed of myself. But this is true: Tomorrow morning I’m heading to Las Vegas for my friend’s bachelor party. He will be my first close friend to get married and it will be my first trip to Las Vegas. Considering the guys I’m going with, I can’t imagine that this trip will end up well. We’ll probably have fun the first night or two, and then at least two of the guys in the group will end up fighting each other in an alley. I’ve tried to figure out a better way for things to pan out, but I’m 99 percent sure that that’s what will happen: an alley fight.

And don’t forget, keep sending in those goat pictures! Have a goat day, everygoat!