I’m Calling Shenanigans On Kobe Bryant
I came across this headline on Yahoo! Sports late last night:
‘81′ Becomes New Nickname for Kobe Bryant
For those of you who don’t know, Kobe Bryant scored 81 points in a game against the Toronto Raptors Sunday night, which is the second highest single-game point total in NBA history. Hence, Kobe’s teammates have given him the nickname “81.” At least, that’s what I thought. Then I read the article and came across this little nugget:
“Kobe Bryant practiced Tuesday for the first time since his astonishing performance against the Toronto Raptors, and was tagged with a new nickname.
“Just calling me 81,” he said of his teammates.”
What?! Kobe’s new nickname is “81″ just because he says that’s what his teammates call him? Well, I call bullshit! First of all, I’m not really inclined to believe much of what Kobe Bryant says. Maybe it’s because he grew up in Italy. Or perhaps it’s because he’s very possibly a rapist. I’m not sure which is clouding my judgment more: my irrational distrust of Italians, or my perfectly rational distrust of rapists. That’s besides the point.
The main issue here is that everyone knows that you can’t give yourself a nickname. Nicknames have to be conferred upon you. Sorry, Kobe, you don’t get to be Mr. 81 just because you want to be. If that’s how things worked, I would be known as Sir Humps-A-Lot the Vagina Slayer, but I’m not. The only nickname I’ve ever gotten that’s stuck is “Sneak Tip,” which I received for my slightly sleazy habit of trying to turn the average pants-less makeout session into a little bit more.* Come to think of it, “Sneak Tip” would be a pretty good nickname for Kobe Bryant, based on his past disgressions. Yup, I’m officially calling Kobe “Sneak Tip.” And, since someone else is giving him the name, it’s perfectly legal. Spread the word across the Internet! Kobe “Sneak Tip” Bryant shall live forever!
Bryant gets new nickname [Yahoo! Sports}
*Sneak Tip was actually not my nickname, but that of someone I knew in college. I was known simply as “The Makeout King of Buffalo, NY.”
