A Lesson For The Ladies
Occasionally, when I’m bored, I’ll head on over to the website of right-wing crackpot James Dobson’s Focus on the Family. There’s usually some crazy bullshit on there that’s good for a laugh. But sometimes, like today, it will feature an excellent piece of service journalism like the article titled “The Secret to Motivating a Husband.” According to the article, the secret to motivating a husband(to what, I don’t know. The article didn’t really explain.) is to show him unconditional respect. Just old-fashioned deference, no matter what. Doesn’t matter if he’s a hardworking provider who respects you back, or a shiftless, unemployed racist who beats you every second of the day, save for when NASCAR is on. I don’t want to give away all of the tips in the article, but here’s a little something to whet your appetite:
“God designed a wife to love. She loves to love. For this reason, a husband does not doubt his wife’s love. What he doubts is her respect for him. During an argument, if she shouts , “I love you a ton but don’t feel any respect for you!” he’ll become an island unto himself. A mysterious island.”
Can’t argue with that; women do love to love. And I can’t tell you how many times a woman has told me that she “loves me a ton,” only to turn around say that she doesn’t respect me. I guess that’s partly my fault. My sexual technique and cuddling skills make ‘em fall in love, then they lose respect for me when they find out I can’t really play the banjo like I claimed.
And that’s when I turn into an island. A mysterious island. A mysterious island, shrouded in mist, that holds a buried treasure. And you know what’s in that treasure? A whole bunch of I.O.U.’s for back massages, redeemable at any time, ladies. I’ll be waiting for your call. This island’s been lonely for too long.
