I Just Shat Out A Gutenberg Bible
Seriously, what the fuck? How does this keep happening to me? I feel like Bruce Willis in the Die Hard Trilogy. Or Sandra Bullock in Speed 2. Or Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon franchise. You get the point.
Good Lord, how drunk did I get last night? And where? From what I can remember, I started drinking while watching the AFC Championship game. How I got from the Mulligan’s Sports Bar to a rare books library, I have no idea. Please, if anyone reading this was hanging out with me last night and knows I managed to eat, digest, and eventually dispel the first book printed on a printing press, email me at tips@kukoda.com and let me know.
I know the New York Public Library has a Gutenberg Bible. I hope their’s isn’t the one that’s currently clogging my toilet. But if I remember correctly, their Bible is under lock and key, inside of a thick glass case. So I doubt it’s that one. Unless, of course, I somehow acquire the skills of a successful cat burglar whenever I get blackout drunk.
I think I’m going to institute some sort of buddy program when I plan on drinking a lot. Or you know how when you go to a bachelor party, the groom-to-be sometimes wears a shirt that says “Do not arrest this man?” Maybe I could do something like that. Except my shirt would say “Don’t let me eat priceless artifacts.”
See this beautiful, ornate treasure of Western Civilization? It was in my ass not ten minutes ago.
I guess I could stop drinking. But then I would be depriving thousands of strangers of witnessing my hilarious antics. Like that time I got drunk and tried to take a piss behind this bar, but I didn’t notice that my penis was tucked into my waistband pointing up, and I just stood there pissing all over my chest? Yeah, hilarious stuff like that. Anyway, I’m sure whoever lost their Gutenberg Bible will report it missing and I’ll return it and we’ll all have a good laugh.
Anyway, I’m heading to Mulligan’s tomorrow for the Tennessee-Duke Women’s game and I’m gonna get hammered. Anyone want to join me?
Previously: I Just Shat Out A Faberge Egg.
