Jack Kukoda

There are lots of valid reasons for hating parrots, but, as illustrated by this story, the number one reason is that they will give away your secrets. And I know from experience.

Back in college, I used to work part-time in a crystal meth lab to pay the bills. Look, I’m not proud of it, but it was the only way I could make enough money to pay for college and my stripper girlfriend’s stripper outfits. Incidentally, she was only stripping so that she could pay for college and my burgeoning crystal meth habit. It was sort of a Gift of the Magi thing.

The point is, during this time I lived with about a dozen or so parrots. I know it sounds silly now, but in the haze of my meth-induced paranoia, I believed the parrots were the only ones I could trust. Well, I was wrong.

It was parents’ weekend up at college, so my folks, as well as an aunt and my grandmother came up to visit. At least I think it was my grandmother. Like I said, I was doing a lot of meth back then, so it might have just been a coat that I thought was my grandmother. Anyway, while we were in my apartment trying to decide on a place for dinner, the parrots started blabbing all of my secrets, including the details of my job. Cursed parrots! My family had an intervention right then and there, forced me to quit the meth lab, and signed me up for a job in the dining hall. I hated working in the dining hall. It was very hot in the dish room and there was not much crystal meth available. I did steal a lot of cold cuts, though, and sometimes filled the cereal boxes with lettuce when nobody was watching.

Here’s that parrot story. I think that’s what this was supposed to be about in the first place.

Mouthy parrot ‘reveals sex secret’ [CNN]