Part VI, In Which Jack Kukoda Attempts To Give A Nickname To Every Player On The Buffalo Bills.
Sam Adams, DT #95
AKA “Fatty-Fatty-Boombalatty” or “Ol’ Crazy Eyes”
“Whoo! Look at that blubber fly!”
Since it’s a Monday morning and most people are enjoying their day off by honoring Dr. King in some fashion, I thought I’d start the day off with a nice, easy Bills nickname post. And I thought I would make it even easier for myself by doing Sam Adams. (I had been planning on using Sam Adams for this feature since the day I started this site, but was saving it for a time when I was too tired or busy to come up with someone smart or original.) Anyway, if there was ever a man who deserved the nickname “Fatty Fatty Boombalatty,” it’s Sam Adams. I think he’s listed at about 330 pounds, but he’s 380 at least. As someone who once weighed just over 400 pounds(I gained the freshman 250 in college,) I can tell these things just by looking. So yeah, ha ha, Sam Adams is a big fat man. All I have to do is find a suitable picture of Sam on Google Images, upload that, put it in the post, and I can go see Match Point with my friend Katie. Then I’ll spend the rest of the day thinking of Scarlett Johannson’s breasts, and that girl I slept with that kind of looked like her, if Scarlett Johannson had dark hair.
That’s when it happened. While I was searching for a suitably fatty picture of Sam Adams, I came across this, his official team photo.
Yowza! This looks more like the headshot of a meth-addict you’d see on The Smoking Gun. I’m actually afraid to look directly at this photo, in fear of Sam Adams stealing my soul with his crazy hypnotic gaze.
Needless to say, I’m conflicted. Should Adams’ nickname be Fatty-Fatty-Boombalatty or Ol’ Crazy Eyes? I’ll leave it up to you, dear readers, to decide. Feel free to vote in the comments section. Or not.
I wanted to link to that Onion Infographic about how Americans are celebrating the birthday of Martin Luther King, but I couldn’t find it. So here’s a link to one of my favorite Onion stories. That’s all.
