Part V, In Which Jack Kukoda Attempts To Give A Nickname To Every Player On The Buffalo Bills.
Kelly Holcomb, Backup/Starting QB #10
AKA “Uncle Pete”
(I briefly considered putting a stop to this recurring feature since the Bills’ season is over, then I remembered that if I continue it throughout the offseason, I’ll be able to have a nickname for all the Bills by the opening of training camp. Also, it’s good space filler.)
“Why Uncle Pete?” you ask. Just look at the guy. Does he look like somebody who could take your team deep into the playoffs? Who could single-handedly take over a game? Strike fear into opposing defenses? Of course not. Kelly Holcomb looks like your Uncle Pete. Or Uncle Jimbo or whoever. Sort of an everyman, but not in the Jimmy Stewart/Tom Hanks sense of the everyman, which really translates to not quite handsome enough to be a leading man in Hollywood, but much better looking than the average guy.
Kelly Holcomb looks like the true American everyman; a beer-swilling, double-chinned, slightly-graying schlub with a goofy smile, who looks better suited to selling stereo components than leading a two-minute drill. In fact, I’m sure Kelly Holcomb is an Uncle Kelly to somebody. At family barbecues, when his nieces and nephews find out he’s an NFL quarterback, they probably try to drag him from the picnic bench to throw the football to them. “Okay, but just for a couple of throws,” Kelly would groan, as he pushes himself off the bench, carrying his Coors Banquet Beer with him. Then, cigarette dangling from his lips, he would make a couple of half-hearted tosses before saying that his shoulder hurts and he needs to sit back down so he could eat more potato salad. I’m not knocking Kelly Holcomb here. This is exactly how I act with all my little cousins.
So yeah, Uncle Pete. I’m not sure yet how I feel about this nickname. I’d give it a B-. Takeo’s nickname, now that was an A+ if I do say so myself.
And just to be clear, “Uncle Pete” is not the same as the molester uncle. I’m in no way implying that Kelly Holcomb looks like, or actually is, a molester. On the other hand, I don’t have any proof that he’s not.
Previous Buffalo Bills Nicknames
