What’s Crueler Than Cockfighting? Glad You Asked
“Where do you stand on the issue of cockfighting?” is a question that no host wants to hear uttered at his dinner party. Trust me, I throw a ton of dinner parties attended by a diverse group of people on a pretty regular basis, so I know of what I speak, and the question of whether or not we as a nation should legalize cockfighting can bring an otherwise successful soiree to a screeching halt. No issue in American politics is currently more polarizing that that of cockfighting. In the event that someone should bring up the subject at your next affair, try to diffuse the tension by offering up these activities, which everyone will agree are worse than cockfighting, thereby restoring goodwill and fellowship to the dinner table. All of these activities, it should be noted, follow the same rules of cockfighting: pitting two opponents against each other, with spurs or miniature blades attached to their feet, in a fight to the death.
Donkeyfighting
Babyfighting
National Merit Scholarfighting
Penguinfighting
Single Motherfighting
Monkeyfighting
Sexy Teenfighting
Crotchety Old Manfighting
Doefighting
If you have any others, feel free to add them to the list.
So remember, next time somebody asks where you stand on the issue of cockfighting, just say, “Well, I think we can all agree that babyfighting is morally reprehensible.” If they disagree with you, then they’re pretty wild. And just to throw my hat in the ring, I’m 100 percent pro-cockfighting.
Remember how I said I would make up for my previous unfunny list? Yeah, well, I lied.
