Jack Kukoda

The following are excerpts from the police logs of NYPD Officer Tom Floaver. They are significant not only for his laziness, but also for his startling honesty about it.

Jan. 5, 1999
First day on the job. Responded to call at 168 E. 35th St. Possible breaking and entering in progress. Arrived late because of traffic on 34th, probably could have made it faster by hoofing it, but big whoop. As I was entering the building the assailant crashed into me, dropping a bag of jewelry and personal electronics. I yelled, “What’s the big idea, Jerk?” He escaped on foot and I discharged my service revolver. I failed to hit him with any shots. I decided not to run after him as it was freezing outside. So I won’t get a medal. Like I care.

March 21, 1999
Responded to a call at P.S. 124 regarding what they thought to be a gas leak. When I arrived I told the principal that gas leaks were the fire department’s jurisdiction. We argued for about twenty minutes and then I finally agreed to check the boiler. The basement was really dark and smelled bad so I only went down about 5 steps and waited there for a few minutes. Then I came back up and told the principal that I performed a thorough inspection and that she had nothing to worry about. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading pornography in my squad car.

*For the months June-August, no logs were submitted by Officer Floaver. It was later discovered that he paid an unemployed actor fifty dollars a day to impersonate him, while Floaver spent the summer at his brother-in-law’s house in Sea Girt, NJ.

September 8, 1999
Christ, it was hot today. I arrested an ice cream truck driver and took a nap in his cooler. Woke up two hours later damn near frostbitten. I had a hell of a time explaining that one to Chief. He was like, “Why are your cheeks and fingers all red?” I just mumbled something about chasing a perp and then shuffled a bunch of papers on my desk like I was real busy and couldn’t talk right now. I think he bought it.

December 24, 1999
I can’t believe I have to work Christmas Eve, especially since I had not done any Christmas shopping. So I decided to raid the evidence locker. Kill two birds with one stone, right? I didn’t take any heroin or guns or anything. But there was a lot of nice jewelry that my wife will like and some drug dealer must have had kids of his own because I found a huge stash of toys and video games in one of the cages. I guess I’ll wrap this stuff in newspaper or something. Or maybe I’ll just put it all in one big cardboard box and wrap that. Whatever.

Jan 3, 2000
Chief said that he wants to meet with me first thing tomorrow morning for my one-year performance evaluation. He seemed kind of pissed off, too. I hope he doesn’t read these things or I’m screwed. Well, no use getting all worried about it. I think I’ll take a dump and call it a day.