So It’s Come To This: A Guest Post About Chad Johnson
Since it’s Free-For-All Friday, I thought I’d start the day out with a sort-of guest post. The following comes from my roommate Matt Yeager via an email he sent to me yesterday. It is about Chad Johnson, wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals and Matt’s favorite player. He even has a replica jersey to prove it. Without further ado…
“I believe I’ve come up with a way for Chad Johnson to get off scot-free after executing the most Salisbury-inciting touchdown celebration of all time (that is, hiding cans of spray paint inside the goalpost padding at a visitors’ stadium, and then, after a touchdown, tagging their endzone with an orange CJ).
All Chad needs is a hospitalized child in the Greater Cincinnati area that shares his initials. (Surely, in a city of several million, there has to be a Calvin Jerkins, or Chris Jones somewhere.) Upon visiting the child, Chad asks him, “Would you like me to do something special for you out on the field?” Of course the child would say “yes, a touchdown celebration.” Actually, all Chad would need to do is wait, and the child, as all children do in that situation, would ask him all on his own. Upon spray painting his initials (marking his territory), Chad would then explain in the post-game press conference that it was the child’s initials he’d actually spray painted. “What?” the world would wonder. “Yes,” Chad would say, “Little Cory Jurgeson in intensive care in Cincinnati Children’s Hospital.” The child, of course, would then be sought out for confirmation, to which he’d reply, from his hospital bed, “yes (cough), this was (cough, cough) indeed my wish.” His parents, nodding and touched, would corroborate. “Chad Johnson has brought the first smile to Cory’s lips in over a year, and if people have a problem with that, well, then…” And Cory’s father would begin vibrating with anger.
My roommate has an unhealthy crush on this man.
Naturally, the fan backlash at the inhumanity of fining/suspending Chad for such a tender act would inspire such guilt in the league officials that they’d immediately revoke their fines, issue an apology, and make Chad Johnson “Man of the Year.” Brilliant! The child would love it, Chad would love doing it, and an entire game would have to be played with a spray-painted endzone - the greatest touchdown celebration of all time.”
If someone reading this knows Chad Johnson, feel free to send it along to him. And by the way, I’m praying for the Bengals to beat the Steelers on Saturday. Otherwise, there’s a very, very good chance that Matt will burn down the apartment in a berzerk rage.
