Jack Kukoda

ESPN and Sports Illustrated are both reporting that it will be announced at a 2:30 press conference today that Buffalo Bills GM Tom Donahoe is being fired, while head coach Mike Mularkey is going to stay on. That’s nothing new, everybody’s known that Donahoe was finished since week 12. What is news, and what had been merely speculation up to this point, is that owner Ralph Wilson will be bringing back former head coach Marv Levy, 80, in an unspecified management position. They’re also reporting that Wilson, who is 87 years old, will take a more active role in evaluating players, hiring coaches, and other decisions.

There are two elements to all of this that I think are worth noting. The first is that Mike Mularkey is going to have to put up with a great deal of meddling from two men whose combined age is 167. To me, this sounds like the plot of a Ben Stiller comedy. It would be called “Grandpas Know Best” or perhaps “Wrinkles In Time.” Can’t you just see it? I’m already picturing the scene where Stiller mistakes one of the old men’s denture adhesive for spermicidal jelly, thereby foiling his attempt to seduce his love interest. I’m thinking Rachel McAdams for this part, or a Rachel McAdams-type if she’s unavailable. I digress.

The second thing worth noting is the importance of Levy’s return. People who are not from Buffalo cannot fathom how much Bills fans love Marv Levy. What Oprah is to none-too bright women, Marv Levy is to us: a genius of unfathomable depths. While other people point out that he lost four straight Super Bowls, we prefer to think of him as the man that turned around a dismal franchise, winning four straight AFC Championships in the process. So I can imagine how excited people in Buffalo are at this news. That’s Bills’ fans for you. While other teams’ fans are getting excited about their playoff possibilities, we’re left to celebrate the return of an 80 year-old man to an “unspecified management position.” Heady times, indeed.

On a personal note, for Buffalonians, last year’s HOT Christmast gift wasn’t the iPOD or anything like that. It was Marv Levy’s autobiography, Where Else Would You Rather Be? I remember a lot of friends being disappointed that Amazon had it backordered and they wouldn’t receive it until late January. I, on the other hand, put that shit on my wishlist back in October, so I got to open it Christmas morning.

Then, last January I was talking to an attractive, intelligent girl at a party here in New York. She worked in publishing and asked what I was currently reading, to which I replied, “Marv Levy’s autobiography. Uh, he was the coach of the Bills in the late 80’s-early 90’s.” Then I mumbled something about Nikolai Gogol being my favorite Russian author, but I had already lost her. Goddamn, I’m smooth.

Looking forward to the 2006 season. We’ve got your number, Detroit Lions!

GM Donahoe to be fired, Levy rejoining Bills [ESPN]

Bills prepared to make decision on Donahoe [CNNSI]

Update: Watching the live press conference over streaming video. Why? Because I’m a dork. My thoughts thus far…

First off, I love Ralph Wilson. Second, Donahoe’s out. Wilson went out of his way to say nice things about Donahoe, then apologized for an incident where Bills’ fans had their “Fire Donahoe” signs confiscated by security at the last home game.

Mike Mularkey’s status is still in question. Wilson said he would announce in the coming days who would be the new GM, as well as whether or not Mularkey is staying on. Wilson kept saying vague things like “I’m talking to Mike, I’m going to continue talking to Mike,” etc. When asked about Marv Levy, Wilson referred to him as “Coach Levy,” but I think this was either out of habit or respect, like the way we still call ex-presidents “Mr. President.” Wilson also said that he’s not in negotiations with Levy, although it’s been widely reported that he has been talking to him. I think the “negotiations” thing is more a matter of semantics. Who knows?

The whole thing seemed pretty odd. I can’t see how Mularkey can stay on now. How can you watch the owner refuse to confirm whether or not you’ll be back next year? What GM would want to take over a franchise with a lame duck coach? And what assistant would want to join his staff?

Finally, Wilson reasserted himself as president of the organization and made a joke about having to take prozac because he’s so depressed over the Bills. Then he joked around with reporters. He pretty much charmed the pants off them. It was like watching your funny grandfather make a toast at a wedding.

One last thing, he said he couldn’t judge J.P. Losman because he’s a rookie who’s “only played three or four games.” Losman actually started eight games this year, going 1-7. Ouch.

That’s enough of the Bills for a while. I’m starting to get dizzy.