Jack Kukoda

If there’s one question I get all the time-and I get a lot of questions-it’s this: What is the proper way to drink a blended, rum-based, Caribbean drink? You would be surprised how many people are unsure of how to do this properly. That’s where I come in. I come in and teach you how to drink a pina colada, just like the title of this post foreshadowed.

Avert your eyes in real life!

Step 1: Never look directly at a pina colada. It’s okay, you can look directly at this one. It’s just a photo. Had it been a real colada, well, I don’t know what might have happened. Nor do I want to.

Step 2: Sip that colada, still not looking at it. See how I do? Pretty cool, right? Not only are my eyes shielded from the blinding powers of the colada, but I can also scan the happy hour buffet so I’ll know the exact moment they replace those barbecued shrimp.

Step 3: Make intense, almost bordering-on-psychotic eye contact with the pretty girl sitting across from you. Gaze into her eyes whilst you sip that colada. Listen intently while she talks about her job as a physician’s assistant and how she’s trying to save up enough money to get her real estate license.

Step 4: Casually walk away, but then stop by the railing and wait for her to follow you. You should still be sipping the colada! It helps, but is by no means necessary, if you haven’t gotten a haircut in a few months and are starting to show signs of a mullet. Really, that’s no problem at all.

Well, that’s it. That’s how you properly drink a pina colada. And I think I also told you how to pick up a girl in the process, which wasn’t my original intention, but who’s complaining? Not you. And if you have any doubts about my qualifications when it comes to advising people on drinking pina coladas, just ask one of my satisfied clients.

“Now I know how it’s done! Thanks, Jack!”