The 7 Habits Of Highly Lonely Parents
So I’m still in Buffalo until Friday when I will return to New York to find my mailbox overflowing with New Year’s Eve party invations. Until that day, though, I’ve been trying to keep busy here in the “City of Good Neighbors.”
To pass the time I’ve been reading, watching TV, and sleeping. I’ve also been scouring the house for clothes I know I left here before I moved out.(Where is that shirt from Structure I used to wear all the time?!) In my searching, I came across something so horrifying, yet adorable, I nearly crapped my pants in horror/cuteness appreciation.
My parents, who I’ve always known to be slightly nuts, have crossed the line from endearingly wacky into full-blown empty-nester delusion…
They have taken to dressing up our dogs in Halloween costumes.
The Horror! The Adorable Horror!
The one above is Rosie. She is a cocker spaniel. She is also dressed as a ladybug. Why? Because my parents are under the impression that dogs are the same as human children. (Click on any of the photos to see a full-size picture of my parents’ madness.)
“Who’s my little angel? Why, this dog, you old coot!”
This one is named Murphy, who is also a cocker spaniel, but he’s dressed as an angel. No need to explain why. Here’s the two of them together.
“Will someone please save us?”
When I first came across these photos, I naturally shrieked. Then I asked my Mom why they dressed the dogs up. Her response, while giggling, was, “It was fun. And they liked it.”
I ask you, dear reader, do any of these dogs look like they are enjoying being paraded around in these outfits like circus clowns? They look like they’re staring off at the horizon, pretending to be in a happy place and waiting for this experience to be over so they can start repressing it.
Okay, here’s the last one. Don’t scroll down if you’re allergic to displays of incredible cuteness.
Okay? You’ve been warned. I won’t be held liable if your throat closes up and you break out in hives after you see this…
“Bzzzz! I’ll sting you…with sweetness!!”
Yes, that is a cocker spaniel dressed up as a bumble bee. Don’t fight it. Let that image seep into your brain. That’s it, let it do its work. It’s replacing all the bad. Soon you’ll have no recollection of this thing called “war.”
This post leaves a lot of questions unanswered, I know. Questions like, “What’s with your parents’ cocker spaniel fetish,” or “Why do they have so many dogs,” or “Why haven’t you committed them, drained their bank accounts, and bought thousands of cartons of Kools for you and your friends?”
I can assure you I’ll answer all these questions in good time. All in good time.
