Jack Kukoda is a comedian and senior staff writer for the Onion News Network. This is his (former) blog. He is working on a new site that will be super fancy and impressive, but in the meantime, head on over to the Onion if you want to read stuff he’s written. You can contact him at jkukoda(at)gmail.com. Please do not send in any Onion-related submissions because I cannot read them. Legal stuff and all. Thanks and go Bills.
I should have a nice wrap-up of my two games out at that shithole they euphemistically call ‘the barn’ on Long Island. And after that, well, I think that might be the end of this blog. I’ll keep the site around, but I just got a new job that’s going to severely cut down on my ability to write this site the way I have been. And let’s face it, the quality here has been falling off for the last month or so.
I’ll have more details on the job later this week and maybe some more concrete plans for what I plan to do with the site. Thanks to all the readers who have commented and sent me emails for the last year and a half. You people are bigger heroes than firefighters and public school teachers combined.
Unless this rain washes out the Long Island Railroad, or all of Nassau County, I’ll be at the Sabres-Islanders game tonight with some friends. I’m slightly embarrassed to say I only slept about 3 hours last night. I’m like a dorky, Buffalo-obsessed kid on Christmas. Or a deer in a candy store. Or pig in headlights. Whatever, you know what I mean. I should have a whole bunch of pictures from the game and the tailgate(drinking tall boys on the LIRR) to post later this week. Look for it.
The Stanley Cup playoffs “officially” kicked off last night, but tonight is when they really start as Buffalo plays its first game against the Gorton’s Fishermen of Long Island. Why do they really start tonight, you ask? Because Buffalo, NY is the center of the sports and media universe. You’re goddamn right it is.
Ho boy, I cannot remember being this anxious, excited, worried, and simultaneously optimistic and paranoid about a sporting event in my entire life. And I’m not easily rattled. Maybe that’s why I sank two free throws on a one-and-one with 3 seconds left to win the Buffalo Catholic Diocesan Basketball Championship in 8th grade. By the way, if you guys want video of that game, just send me an email. And be sure to clarify if you want the VHS version or the Commemorative DVD with my audio commentary and a behind-the-scenes look at St. Marks’ basketball. You should get that one. It’s only 25 dollars more and comes with my replica signature. That is a deal.
Seriously, I’ve spent the entire week reading every article about the Sabres I can find, listening the sports radio about the Sabres, and basically telling everyone I know how excited I am for the Sabres. And you know what I’ve learned in that time? People in New York don’t give two shits about the NHL in general, let alone the Buffalo Sabres. And they really get sick of hearing me talk about how the Sabres have 4 lines that can score so they’re really tough to match up against. Also, how about Vanek’s improvement?! Hello? Where are you going? Ahhh, there I go again.
Anyway, I think once this first game is out of the way I’ll be able to relax slightly and be able get through the day without horrible stomach aches and trembling hands. Then this site will get back to what it does best. Doling out stupid bullshit. Just you wait!
By the way, I made my Stanley Cup picks for my friend Ritch’s hockey site. You can find them here. I’ll probably be doing some more writing for that site as the playoffs progress, so I’ll try to keep the hockey stuff over there and use this personal site to post more pictures of my abs. I know that’s why you’re coming here, anyway!!!!
If you’re like me, you’re pretty excited for the NHL playoffs. But you’re even more excited for Amy Grant’s official NHL blog. Oh man, Gary Bettman, you are a fucking prince among boys when it comes to marketing the NHL. Sweet Lord have mercy, during the meeting when you guys were coming up with ideas to promote the playoffs, whoever said, “Let’s see if Amy Grant is available!” should be taken out behind the wood shed and raped by a deer.
On the bright side, the guy whose ass you see in the movie GO! is apparently a Sabres fan. That’s pretty cool. I like William Fichtner. He’s a good character actor and seems like a good guy to watch a game with. Angel, on the other hand, well, I guess he’s okay. The rest of the “celebrity” blogs, and I’m using that word liberally AND putting it in quotes, can be found here.
By the way, Amy Grant, I still haven’t forgiven you.
It doesn’t, okay? I just happen to like these. This first one is by my friends Kurt and Kristen and it’s amazing. At least that’s what I think. You might not think it’s amazing. But that’s because you’re a jerk. Anyway, check it out.
The next one I remember seeing last spring during the playoffs. This one in particular is my favorite for obvious reasons. Although, I’m sure Anne Altman will like it as well.
And if you’re wondering, yes, that is exactly how people in Buffalo sound. The rest of these videos can be found here. I don’t know why they haven’t made more of these since they’re all great. I’m sure there’s some story behind them I could find, but I’d probably have to go through at least two or three Google results pages and my time is way too fucking precious for that. So if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work on my Optimus Prime costume. The Transformers premier is just months away!
Last night the Buffalo Sabres won their first division title in 10 years and their first conference title since 1980 by beating the Pittsburgh Penguins. It was pretty sweet. I watched the game in my living room wearing four pairs of zubaz, a Jim Schoenfeld jersey, and a chicken wing hat. That is how I class things up for the games.
Anyway, since people from Buffalo have a tendency to get a little irrationally optimistic about their sports teams, there’s already talk about whether or not this is the best Sabres team of all time. It is not. Because I was on the greatest Sabres team of all time. But we weren’t called the Sabres. And we didn’t play in the NHL. And instead of playing hockey, we competed by seeing who could sell the most American flags door to door. Aside from that, same thing.
I would ring someone’s doorbell and when they answered I’d yell, “How’d you like to buy an American flag?” If they said no, I’d pretend to ‘drop’ one of the flags on their doorstep. Then I’d tell them that tradition states that if an American flag touches your hearth, you must buy it. Or else you will have 8 years of bad luck. They’d usually buy one after that. Sometimes people would refuse to buy the flags so I’d say I understand, then walk away. Then later I’d come back to their house and throw a flag wrapped around a brick right through their window. That will teach them about patriotism.
Anyhoo, what’s this about? Ah, the Sabres. They are pretty awesome. Any readers of this site are welcome to come over to my apartment to watch all the playoff games and feed me chicken wings and beer while I listen to my arteries clog up and my heart creak along. Stanley Cup Fever, catch it!!!
All right, listen up boys and girls ’cause I’m only going to say this once. Now, I know a lot of you probably think you’re pretty smart and there’s nothing you can learn from a guy like me, two time tae-kwan-do world champion and recovering alcoholic Jack Kukoda. But that’s where you’re wrong! I’ve done a lot of living in my life, but I’ve done even more learning. See what I did there? Never mind. Doesn’t matter. I didn’t come to your grade school today to impress you with my wordplay. I came here to talk to you about something important. Pouring hot coffee down your pants. And I’ve got one thing to say about that. Don’t do it.
You may not believe me, but there’s going to come a time in your life very soon when you are going to feel peer pressure to pour a scalding hot cup of joe right down your pants. Maybe it will happen at a party, maybe at diner with an unsupervised Bunn-O-Matic. Maybe it’s already happened to some of you. Don’t do it. You hear me? I know kids your age think it’s real cool to dump hot ass coffee-yeah, I just swore. Deal with it! Hot ass coffee down your trousers. It’s not cool. You think a burned ding-a-ling is cool? ‘Cause that’s what you’re gonna get if you pour that hot coffee down there.
I don’t care if someone dares you to do it. I don’t care if you think it’s going to impress that pretty girl that sits across from you in class. Fleeting popularity for dumping steaming java all over your privates is not worth it. It’s just not. It’s going to cause you all sorts of problems later in life. So you hear me, kids? Keep that coffee where it belongs and out of your pants. Any questions?
Yeah, you. What? No, don’t pour hot tea down your pants either. That is also bad.
Anyone else? Huh? Same goes for hot chocolate. Keep it out of there.
Any other questions? You, in the blue shirt. Were you not listening? I just answered a question about tea.
Look, kids, don’t pour any hot liquids down your pants to impress each other. It’s not worth it.
Take it from me, 8 time defending chess champion and current meth addict, Jack Kukoda. Also, see this rope? Don’t play with ropes like this. I can handle them because I’m a professional, but you, you stay away from ropes.
There’s a good chance you’ve seen this already, but if not, you’re in for a treat. The best scenes from The Wicker Man, starring Nicholas Cage.
Hey kids, so remember how I mentioned a while back that I was working on a project, but couldn’t really say much about it? Of course you remember that. I know you all memorize every post on this site like an army of Rain Men. Anyway, that project is the Onion News Network, the Onion’s new video newscast. Here’s one of the videos.
There should be about two new videos released every week. They will be glorious. Anyway, give them a look. And continue supporting our troops.
Full Onion Press Release after the, as they say, jump.
(Read on …)
I wrote another column for my friend Rich’s site this week. You can check it out here. I think it’s an example of the well-reasoned, intelligent discourse that is sorely missing in the world of Internet name-calling.
If you guys want to nominate me for the Nobel Peace Prize, I think you can just Google “Nobel Prize Nominations” and it will take you to a form you can fill out. I’m pretty sure I’ve earned it.
Laina made this for me for my birthday. She is bored in Vermont and only has goats and Photoshop to keep her company. Thank God for that.
You may remember Laina’s earlier work with ponies and outer space. She’s really outdone herself this time.
Thanks to everyone who pitched in and got me this sweet camo suit for my birthday. You guys are the best.
This will make it much easier for me to creep about mossy swamps undetected.
And would it kill you to send me a goddamn e-card? I think I’ve made it clear many times that I desperately need attention.
I received my annual birthday care package from my mom yesterday. She’s pretty great at putting together care packages. One time on the phone I casually mentioned I was feeling sad and a few days later the mailman brought me a giant box full of potato chips and sponge candy. That was sweet. This time my mom sent me some Buffalo Sabres Chocolate hockey pucks, a couple of Jim’s Steakout T-shirts, some Buffalo postcards, and a button that says “All-Star Son” with a note that said, “Please keep and wear this.” Of course I will. How else will people know that I’m an all star son?
Anyway, feel free to send me all sorts of birthday wishes between now and my actual birthday tomorrow. And when I say ‘feel free,’ I mean it’s compulsory. I am starved for attention and if I think that people forgot my birthday I will throw a temper tantrum the likes of which you have never seen. And if you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday, I’m registered on Ebay under Buffalo Bills zubaz. I know, I know. Bills zubaz are traditionally a fifth-anniversary gift, but I think we can break with tradition just this once. It’s for me, after all. Or you can just get me what I asked for last year since my friends dropped the ball on that one.
The NCAA tournament is only 45 minutes old and somehow I’m already down 22,000 dollars. Why do I always bet on the coin toss? There is no coin toss in basketball! Goddamn it, that one gets me every time.
Maybe I should just stick to those office pools where everyone just puts in 5 bucks. No, no then I wouldn’t feel the rush I get every time I bet the over/under on how many dunks there will be in a game. For the U Penn-Texas A&M game, I took the over with 74 dunks. I think that’s a good bet. I haven’t seen either team play all year, but from the sound of their mascot names, I think that game will see a minimum of 79 dunks.
I have a new betting strategy for this year: I’ve parlayed every game in the tournament. So if I guess every single game correctly, I win something like 8 trillion dollars. Nice! I could start my own version of NASA with that sort of money. And then I would take rocketship vacations to the moon! Or maybe I’d just buy some quality linemen for the goddamn Buffalo Bills. Or I would just buy a lot of fur coats. One thing I wouldn’t do with that money is give it to the poor. Because then the poor would get all cocky and start wearing fur coats-fur coats that should have been mine!-and stinking up fancy department stores. No way are the poor going to get like that on my watch.